Can friends and children mix?
I saw a tweet this week that got some extremely snippy replies. The question it posed was how child-free people could stay involved with the lives of their friends who became parents, and while plenty of people shared their friendship maintenance tips underneath, others were pissed.
‘It’s up to parents to reach out and make the time. I’m not a babysitter. And I don’t have a reduced schedule. They do’ said one. ‘They're the ones who took action resulting in the friendship being altered, they're the ones responsible for making adjustments if they want to maintain it’ said another.
Eeek, I thought, these people do not sound like someone I’d want a glass of sauvy b with. But, Twitter bitchery aside, I sort of get why they’re cross. It must be annoying when your mates disappear into a land of nappies and sterilisers, and suddenly explain that they can only do lunch at 11am or 3pm because of the baby’s nap. It might feel sad when the friend you used to enjoy after-work dinners with is now so exhausted they’re in their pyjamas by the time The One Show starts. And the sense that a friend is re-focusing their energy away from your relationship is painful, especially if you then have to spend your time together sympathising with them about how tiring their new lifestyle - which they have probably chosen! - is.
Then again, however much a friend wants and loves their kids, nothing can really prepare you for the relentlessness of parenting, so saying ‘well you chose this’ is hardly brimming with empathy. I guess it’s similar to my friends with hardcore corporate jobs – yes, they’ve chosen that career path, but I still sympathise with their complaints of 11pm finishes and nightmare bosses, and try to adapt our friendship accordingly (I think I spent most my twenties holding restaurant tables for pals still stuck in the office).
Someone asked me this week if I’d had a baby shower when I was pregnant, and I explained it hadn’t felt right to because some of my friends were struggling with fertility issues at the time, or sad because they hadn’t met the right person to have kids with. Back then, it wouldn’t have felt particularly thoughtful of me to be like ‘Hi everyone, give me presents because I’m pregnant’. What I did appreciate though, was those friends who showed up with baked goods for lunch when I was chained to the sofa breastfeeding, or made the effort to come to my area of London when I hadn’t yet mastered getting on the Tube with a buggy (the leap of faith on to the escalator still scares the crap out of me). Now I’ve got a 3-year-old I feel immense gratitude towards the friends who accept that some of our day out might be spent following my daughter round the playground, where she will probably be doling out orders the whole time. I’ve never loved my friends more than watching them be dutifully pushed round a roundabout by my bossy toddler, especially when they could be doing all kinds of wild and fun things with their freedom on a Saturday.
It's got to be a two-way street though. I know a surprising amount of people who think the whole world – and crucially their child-free friends - should revolve around them once they’ve had kids. No! If you actually care about a friendship, you need to show the respect of making time to meet-up one-on-one (disclaimer: this is also way more fun for the parent, and makes you feel like you are still a real person who can think about things other than laundry management and whether there are enough rice cakes in the cupboard). The impetus should certainly not just be on the child-free person to mould themselves to your new lifestyle, although if they can spend the odd hour drinking a coffee in a soft play with you, they are wonderful people.
I think the key thing to remember is the ever-changing nature of friendship. At certain times, we will all be the vulnerable one flailing through life and needing a friend to be our anchor. I’ve definitely felt like that sometimes during some phases of parenting. At others, we will all be the strong, supportive one saying ‘come here buddy, let’s get you a gin’. I hope I can model that type of friendship to my daughter too.