On having a second baby

How the hell am I going to do this?

That’s the question that whirred through my head last night at 1am after my daughter woke up screaming inconsolably. Already hounded by pregnancy insomnia, I felt so exhausted I thought I might die, then suddenly the fact that I will soon have not one but two young kids to deal with popped into my head. How on earth does anyone manage?

Let’s get the caveats out of the way: I’m extremely lucky to have got pregnant easily and (so far) had a fairly straightforward pregnancy. I’m excited to meet the little guy who regularly performs a full river dance in my stomach. Babies are adorable! And I know I’ll love him to bits, just like my daughter. Plus, when I look into the distant future, it’s nice to imagine they’ll each have a sibling to share their history and “oh-my-god-mum-is-so-weird” eye rollings with.

But the thought of the next five years, and somehow dividing my energy and attention between two children, as well as trying to retain some semblance of sanity, is nerve-racking to put it mildly.

Motherhood is hard work. I’ve written about my experience of being a new mum during the pandemic, and although I’m a million times happier now, parenting is still relentless, knackering and requires constant battles to complete the simplest of tasks (there was a brilliant piece on maternal anger in last week’s Times - I think lots of mums will relate). Of course this is balanced out with wondrously lovely moments, but being in the trenches with young kids can often be gruelling.

For a long, long time after having my daughter, I was very much “one and done” - even my mum couldn’t believe it when I told her I was having a second child. As far as I was concerned, I was already at my mental, physical and emotional capacity, and to be honest I still frequently feel that way. I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to find the extra wiggle room in these areas, but I look around and see lots of other people managing it well, so obviously it is humanly possible. I’ve also spoken to other mums who’ve confided in me that they too were freaking out before the arrival of their second child, and that it actually turned out to be easier than expected, so perhaps it’s no bad thing to go in with a certain level of trepidation.

My biggest fear of having two is not actually the sleepless nights or the nappies or having to split my brain in half when they’re both simultaneously demanding attention. In fact, I’m mainly terrified of losing the time to do anything for myself - going for a run, having the odd kid-free coffee with friends, a conversation with my husband that isn’t interrupted by someone shouting “mummy. MUMMY. STOP TALKING!”. I know mothers are meant to be entirely self-sacrificing, but I don’t think I can be. At the moment, having one child means my husband and I both get some time to ourselves, but mention these fears to anyone with more than two kids and they will generally smirk and say “oh yeah, forget about that for the next five years”. Forget about the things that make me feel like a vaguely sane and balanced human being? Great!

So yeah, I’m a bit nervous about having two children, even while feeling lucky and excited at the prospect. At this point I don’t have a pithy pay-off to tell myself it will actually all be okay, but I’m hoping that in six months I look back at this and realise that actually, I’ve found a way to navigate my new-look life just fine.