Would you take a toddler to Glastonbury?
My Instagram habit is so dire that I don’t often allow myself to look at TikTok, but this week I somehow ended up there and discovered the most shocking of all videos.
It was a woman called Olivia documenting her first day at Glastonbury - or more specifically, getting up at 2.15am to drive there and queue up for hours for the best camping spot. That all sounds just about bearable unencumbered, but the thing that blew my mind is that Olivia is six months pregnant and taking a toddler along with her. The comment ‘Props to you but this sounds like my idea of hell’ pretty much sums up my reaction. In fact, I think I’d rather place my bare bum cheeks on a Glasto long drop toilet on day three than go to the festival with a child under five, and that’s saying something.
I love Glastonbury. I’ve been twice - the first time was in 2013, just after I’d started dating my now husband, who was going separately with his mates. I remember spotting him queuing up for a hot dog and saying ‘Ohmygodohmygod I CAN’T go and say hello’, before we got very drunk together and rampaged around all the stages until 6am, a night so legendary it probably sealed our relationship status. The second time was the post-Brexit 2016 swamp of a Glastonbury, when escaping to a field to sing along to Adele was very much a welcome escape. But the thought of going with small children? It’s a definite nope from me.
It’s hard enough trying to negotiate my own hygiene, hunger and sleep requirements at a festival, without having to sort those of a tiny, demanding human as well. I wouldn’t fancy dealing with my baby’s dirty nappies in a tent, or persuading my four-year-old to use a portaloo without touching everything (why, why must they always clutch on to the seat?) I’m not sure how many of the food stalls at Glastonbury sell Marmite toast with the crusts cut off, but it’s probably not enough to keep us going. And just imagine the bedtimes! Jesus wept.
I’m completely in awe of anyone who does take their kids to Glastonbury, and I bet the children have a fabulous time. However, despite being one of those complete knobs who said things like ‘The baby has to live around us, not the other way round’ before I had kids, I’ve accepted that we will definitely not be a festival family. I’d love to go to Glasto again one day, just not with preschoolers. If anyone’s going to get wheelbarrowed through a muddy field after a day of too much excitement, it’s not them - it’s me.
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