Honestly, you'd feel guilty whatever you chose. I've just finished mat leave with my third and have essentially been a stay at home mum since 2019 (with a brief period of working two days a week for a year... But I was teaching baby classes so I don't feel like it counts?) The kids have all been in nursery from the age of one for two days, but the rest of the time I'm with them. I gave up my career to be here and am glad I took this path... But I feel guilty every day. I worry in being physically present all the time I'm not emotionally present enough, because honestly it's draining to try to be, and I rarely get time completely alone which can make me more short tempered than I'd like. I worry that by doing the stuff that needs to get done when they're with me (housework, admin, the occasional freelance work) they're learning that mummy is too busy for them. I worry all the time that I go on my phone too much even though when I check in on my screen time, it's actually quite low. Motherhood and guilt go hand in hand, you'd feel it whatever you did. So keep doing what works for you. As long as they know they're loved, the kids will all be fine in the end.
Oh my goodness, this brought back so many memories of how it felt to leave my babies in nursery when I went off to my full-time job. It's so hard, the guilt is real. But now they are a delightful, funny, relaxed, sociable pair of kids (10 and 7), so clearly didn't do them any harm. Sending so much love and strength for the back-to-work phase xx
I was about to write something similar! Mine are now 13 & 9 both having gone to full time nursery from 9 months. They are happy, well rounded, sociable, independent people who actually have fond (all be it limited!) memories of nursery. They know no different and whilst I can’t say they would’ve turned out differently had I been at home, I wouldn’t want them to be different from who they are!! But I can remember the guilt, and it is hard- but don’t beat yourself about it - you are doing a great job!
My 9mo is in nursery full time and has been for months — I miss him every day but can categorically say he is more enriched by their activities and menu than anything I’d be able to give him at home. And it means when I am around him I’m super present and savor the time I get. For what it’s worth, think he and I would be a lot worse off if we tried it the old school way!
Thanks for writing about this. I’m a third of the way through my maternity leave and I miss my work! When you have a job you love it is part of your identity so lots wrapped up in that. We’ll be using nursery 4 days a week - and most of my friends do the same. A few have been full time mums but now want to get back to work once kids are approaching secondary school age and don’t have careers to return to. So I’m glad I have mine, although much wrapped up in that and the guilt as ever!
The words from that therapist are gold for working mothers. Both my mum and grandma worked, and I turned out fine - humans babies are resilient and can develop secure attachment with multiple caregivers. It is so hard to leave them when they are little though!
Mine are 11, 7 and 4 and from this point I can say that I am very happy with the "go back to work" choice that i made: now I have both, awesome kids and a fulfilling career. The hard times were worth it.
This is so good to hear! I’ve since done a few more interviews with experts on this subject and they all say that being at home with an unfulfilled mother is so much worse for a child than nursery care - I guess it’s just whatever keeps you sane!
Ahh Sophie, I feel for you. The guilt is a huge factor for so many women. And I get it, even if you could stay at home would you want them full time all the time!? Possibly not as we all deserve a break!
I do work part-time (although on mat leave with the third now) and have essentially sacrificed my career to do so and financially of course! But I know I’m lucky to be able to do that in some ways. And it was the right decision for our family.
However, what I would say is I worked full-time with the eldest for the longest and he is no different to the other two. He is a thriving four (nearly five year old) now at school which means he is separated from me 5 days anyways. So I would say the years where they are very small and don’t have to be in education / nursery are where you feel the most pressure in this area.
But give yourself some grace, no one else can tell you what to do / how you should live your life / or indeed what your finances need to look like. As a mother you feel guilty all the time about everything. But try to ditch it in regards to working and your job. Your daughter and indeed your son will be totally fine and will both thrive, whether or not you work. The very fact you are worrying about this is assurance your children will be fine! ☺️
Thanks for this. I think it's just one of those times in life when you look around and compare what you're doing to what everyone else is doing - even though that is rarely a fruitful thing to do! Got to work on letting go of the guilt...
That quote from the therapist is brilliant! I got about half way through mat leave with my first before realising I just did not enjoy the newborn phase and I was itching to get back to to work. Both of my children were in nursery a few days from 9 months and while I sometimes felt guilty, I knew they were getting far more socialisation and interesting play than I could ever give them at home. I think going to nursery helps them so much with independence and socialisation and my going to work helps me be a better mum when I am present.
I feel this so deeply in my bones!! I’m also a full time working mum, which is impossibly difficult. Not only do I feel the pangs of guilt, but I also feel like I’m stretched so thin working two full time jobs. I honestly don’t know what the answer is. But I worry, for me at least, full time work while managing a family is a one way road to burn out. How do you prevent burn out?
Honestly, you'd feel guilty whatever you chose. I've just finished mat leave with my third and have essentially been a stay at home mum since 2019 (with a brief period of working two days a week for a year... But I was teaching baby classes so I don't feel like it counts?) The kids have all been in nursery from the age of one for two days, but the rest of the time I'm with them. I gave up my career to be here and am glad I took this path... But I feel guilty every day. I worry in being physically present all the time I'm not emotionally present enough, because honestly it's draining to try to be, and I rarely get time completely alone which can make me more short tempered than I'd like. I worry that by doing the stuff that needs to get done when they're with me (housework, admin, the occasional freelance work) they're learning that mummy is too busy for them. I worry all the time that I go on my phone too much even though when I check in on my screen time, it's actually quite low. Motherhood and guilt go hand in hand, you'd feel it whatever you did. So keep doing what works for you. As long as they know they're loved, the kids will all be fine in the end.
Ah thank you. I guess we’re all just trying our best. I think the fact we care either way probably means our kids are among the lucky ones!
Oh my goodness, this brought back so many memories of how it felt to leave my babies in nursery when I went off to my full-time job. It's so hard, the guilt is real. But now they are a delightful, funny, relaxed, sociable pair of kids (10 and 7), so clearly didn't do them any harm. Sending so much love and strength for the back-to-work phase xx
I was about to write something similar! Mine are now 13 & 9 both having gone to full time nursery from 9 months. They are happy, well rounded, sociable, independent people who actually have fond (all be it limited!) memories of nursery. They know no different and whilst I can’t say they would’ve turned out differently had I been at home, I wouldn’t want them to be different from who they are!! But I can remember the guilt, and it is hard- but don’t beat yourself about it - you are doing a great job!
Thank you both for these replies - it’s absolutely what I need to hear right now!
My 9mo is in nursery full time and has been for months — I miss him every day but can categorically say he is more enriched by their activities and menu than anything I’d be able to give him at home. And it means when I am around him I’m super present and savor the time I get. For what it’s worth, think he and I would be a lot worse off if we tried it the old school way!
I interviewed an actual professor of childcare this week and he said similar things - it was very reassuring!
Thanks for writing about this. I’m a third of the way through my maternity leave and I miss my work! When you have a job you love it is part of your identity so lots wrapped up in that. We’ll be using nursery 4 days a week - and most of my friends do the same. A few have been full time mums but now want to get back to work once kids are approaching secondary school age and don’t have careers to return to. So I’m glad I have mine, although much wrapped up in that and the guilt as ever!
The words from that therapist are gold for working mothers. Both my mum and grandma worked, and I turned out fine - humans babies are resilient and can develop secure attachment with multiple caregivers. It is so hard to leave them when they are little though!
Mine are 11, 7 and 4 and from this point I can say that I am very happy with the "go back to work" choice that i made: now I have both, awesome kids and a fulfilling career. The hard times were worth it.
This is so good to hear! I’ve since done a few more interviews with experts on this subject and they all say that being at home with an unfulfilled mother is so much worse for a child than nursery care - I guess it’s just whatever keeps you sane!
Ahh Sophie, I feel for you. The guilt is a huge factor for so many women. And I get it, even if you could stay at home would you want them full time all the time!? Possibly not as we all deserve a break!
I do work part-time (although on mat leave with the third now) and have essentially sacrificed my career to do so and financially of course! But I know I’m lucky to be able to do that in some ways. And it was the right decision for our family.
However, what I would say is I worked full-time with the eldest for the longest and he is no different to the other two. He is a thriving four (nearly five year old) now at school which means he is separated from me 5 days anyways. So I would say the years where they are very small and don’t have to be in education / nursery are where you feel the most pressure in this area.
But give yourself some grace, no one else can tell you what to do / how you should live your life / or indeed what your finances need to look like. As a mother you feel guilty all the time about everything. But try to ditch it in regards to working and your job. Your daughter and indeed your son will be totally fine and will both thrive, whether or not you work. The very fact you are worrying about this is assurance your children will be fine! ☺️
Thanks for this. I think it's just one of those times in life when you look around and compare what you're doing to what everyone else is doing - even though that is rarely a fruitful thing to do! Got to work on letting go of the guilt...
A mother leaving her baby before it's even a full year is completely insane, what is happening to the world.
That quote from the therapist is brilliant! I got about half way through mat leave with my first before realising I just did not enjoy the newborn phase and I was itching to get back to to work. Both of my children were in nursery a few days from 9 months and while I sometimes felt guilty, I knew they were getting far more socialisation and interesting play than I could ever give them at home. I think going to nursery helps them so much with independence and socialisation and my going to work helps me be a better mum when I am present.
I feel this so deeply in my bones!! I’m also a full time working mum, which is impossibly difficult. Not only do I feel the pangs of guilt, but I also feel like I’m stretched so thin working two full time jobs. I honestly don’t know what the answer is. But I worry, for me at least, full time work while managing a family is a one way road to burn out. How do you prevent burn out?